The fear of change
Everything has a beginning and an end but why then we are so freaking afraid of change and endings….
I am sitting in Notting Hill, London, where I have spent the last 7 years of my life and feel sad and excited at the same time. Soon I am leaving, LEAVING to go on a new adventure.
All my life I have seen myself living by the beach, having sun all year round.. Sandy feet. Easy life. Love. Good friends. Well, life is so interesting…you go to the big city instead full of ambition for growth and earning loads of money so that you can satisfy all your dreams, buy loads of pretty things, travel to distant places, eat in fancy restaurants, drive expensive cars, hire fast boats, sail across seas, drink bubbles, eat strawberries while watching tennis on a hill. And yes, feel that feeling in the belly that tells you: YES, I MADE it mamma….
And that is true for the most of us here. But what happens when you actually get alone for a fraction of a minute??? When we are so quiet that we could finally get to hear our inner voice. Yes, that voice that never EVER lied to you. Just you always found a way to keep it quiet enough, so that you could ignore it. For some of us those moments may arise while running in the park, or training in the gym, or while reading a book on a holiday… And THEN, well and then at first we are so surprised and scared that we ignore it. But if you are one of those people who goes alone to the gym, or travels to work in the early morning all by yourself…. I hope you know exactly what I am talking about…. The dream for something much bigger. For freedom. For blue skies.
And then, then our flats in big cities get smaller and sometimes we can hardly breath. We go to buy a new dress, handbag or a car or whatever we hope will make us happy and content again. Maybe then we start going to our local gym or yoga studio or climbing, running, or drumming groups or maybe we take on meditation or gardening or anything that keeps you CONNECTED to the true source and to mother nature…..AND hell we know the change is there….But we know nothing yet.
For me this started a few years ago. I had a boyfriend who I loved so much. He left to go travelling. And of course I wanted to stay fit, healthy and young for when he comes back. I didn’t leave the gym for hours every day…. The gym turned into yoga classes…..and I am so so grateful for that loneliness I felt all those months. Finally, for the first time in my adult life I connected to my true self. Not the one my mum, friends or teachers told me I was. But the true ME.
So I wasn’t out in the noise every night anymore…. I wasn’t out buying pretty things any more no no no, that wasn’t appealing now…. And yes I wasn’t out drinking or taking drugs. The new feelings in my body were too precious to numb…. I spent days, weeks, and months within myself.
That’s when I decided that there was a different life possible….life where I didn’t look to quieten the voice….to numb the feelings, I didn’t want to pretend any more that everything was fine and I will be good again. Cause it wasn’t…and I knew it. And I ACCEPTED it.
January 2014, I went on my first yoga teacher training. A month of yoga, meditation, veggie food and lots of inspiration. Hidden in the Mexican dessert and just a stone’s throw away from the ocean and the mountains. We learned about the yogic life. By the ocean which sounded like a giant monster, we slept every night in our cute tents. Early nights. Amazing new friends. Holding hands. Crying. Laughing. Sharing life. And OHhhhh I will never forget what our teacher told us on our last evening. He said “Be prepared. For some of you, when you go back, life will never be the same. Welcome home.”
And yep that’s me. Of course.
The fruit of change which was growing in my belly for the past few years is now ripe to be enjoyed. There is no more worry about how I will survive, how I would make money . Save etc. I just know. There is this super huge sense of trust that develops in your whole being when you know that fuck it (excuse my French) I would rather die than not explore my dreams…..
And yes I did it. I told my super amazing employer that I love them to bits and they are my extended family . But it is time for me to go. The nomad girl has to pack up and go. Where to! Who knows… But I know I will be fine. I’ve got my smile. I’ve got my heart. And I know I will be fine.
Believe me I still wake up in the middle of the night and think “ F*ck, What the hell have I done with my life.” And this is normal. Fear keeps us alive. But just sit with it. Don’t act upon it. Let it be. And then you will see like everything else in life, it will simply go away. And a new feeling will take over your body. This is life on Planet Earth. Feelings come, feelings go. People come and people go. This is it. To have a new beginning you need to create space by letting something OLD go. And that’s the whole purpose of life. Not clinging to anything. What is the point of holding tight when we know sooner or later everything will end?
This is the first chapter of my blog. I am creating it with the only objective and that is to inspire you. Wake up friends. Wake up and just do it. Live the life you want. It starts at this very moment. The responsibility is all yours. And the only one in charge is you. Flip the perspective. Change things round. GOD knows how long we’ve got left on this planet why do you need to spend it looking on Instagram watching how other people live their lives while you are sitting still here, all struck by fear. SAY NO MORE FEAR. Just LOVE. It IS really really simple.
To finish this blog I want you to come to a very simple ONE minute meditation. And that is, close your eyes and take your hands over each other and over your heart. Take a deep breath in. Pause. Take a long breath out. And maybe, only maybe, you will slowly awaken your heart. And feel for a minute how much easier it could be to live using our HEARTS more. Choosing LOVE. Instead of fear.